The Punitive Inner Critic
The Ten of Swords as a limiting belief – the Punitive Inner Critic
It’s 2015 and I’m in a boutique yoga studio in Queens Park North-West London. The teacher is a short Brazilian man and he is very passionate about focusing on the breath in this Ashtanga-Vinyasa class. His style of teaching really works for me and even though I haven’t done a lot of yoga yet, thanks to my slightly hypermobile joints and my desire to just get some peace from my brain, I’m really getting into the class.
That is I was, until the moment the teacher says out loud to me, in front of the class, ‘but you’re not loveable.’ He speaks it out loud like he had answered one of my thoughts. My head jerks up and whips around. He is across the other side of the room, it wasn’t him. But the voice was so loud and clear and had the same authority as his. The realisation hits like a drop of sweat on my yoga mat, unwanted and a bit mortifying. This yoga teacher who I’ve just met didn’t tell me I was unlovable, the voice came from inside of me. I’m the problem, it’s me.
Leaving the studio and walking back through the streets along the edge of Notting Hill, I feel sad. I don’t think I’d ever have described myself as someone with high self-esteem, but it was quite an unpleasant realisation for me to comprehend just how mean the background noise in my head was.
I’d love to tell you that this moment changed everything for me, that it was the turning point where I started regular therapy and worked tirelessly on unpicking the threads of negativity that were stitched into my psyche. Sadly, that didn’t happen, but it did start my awareness of this inner voice and it definitely did propel me on my personal growth journey, which has led me to the point where now, a decade later, I’m beginning to feel like I’m finally ready to properly tackle that voice and the messages it gives me.
Having done some research (by which I mean listen to hundreds of podcasts) I now know that the voice I heard in that class was an example of a what’s called a ‘punitive inner critic’. It’s an inner critic who is constantly harsh, ‘you’re worthless’, ‘why bother, you’ll never amount to anything’. Its sometimes referred to as a ‘squashing’ inner critic, which I think is an excellent name because as the possessor of this type of inner critic that is what it feels like it does to your self-esteem.
Through the lens of Tarot, I think the Ten of Swords is the perfect embodiment of a punitive inner critic. In the image you can see it’s the accumulation of the swords that has really done the damage, maybe if it was just one little sword lodged in his back this man could get up and get away, but the voices (swords) have been coming too often for too long, he just has no energy or ability left to fight them. Depression or depressive periods is common in people with this type of inner critic and that is also easy to see in this card. This is unfortunately also part of my experience, there have been times in my working life where the critical voice was really loud and I remember having the strong urge to just lie down in the corridor at work, as though even standing took too much energy anymore.
The consensus seems to be that this type of inner critic is developed in childhood if you have caregivers who, for whatever reason, are unable to meet your emotional needs. Your younger self is not able to rationally look at the situation and instead decides that you are not cared for in the way you need because you are in fact bad and unworthy.
My research (*cough* podcasts) tell me that there are three types of inner critic; punitive, demanding and guilt-inducing and you can have one or two or a blend of all three of them. The punitive critic is the only one however, that serves no useful purpose at all. The goal is not to moderate it, but to shut it down completely.
My best advice here comes from the Tarot and can be found in the nine of swords. This card definitely doesn’t fall into the category of ‘good’ cards or ones you’re happy to pull because looking at those swords (voices) can really suck. The person in the card is not having a good time. But if you hang those swords up on the wall, where you cannot ignore them, maybe label them, under the light of day and rational observation their power over you eventually diminishes. The key to beating the voices is to expose them, you might even like to give them a name that really personifies them. Sewer breath Sindy? Mean Mandy? There are also many modalities that can help with eradicating this inner critic, but I do think it can be so pervasive it is important to use one that reaches the subconscious mind. This is why I think tapping is excellent, but of course I might be biased!
It's also helpful to cultivate a new pattern of thinking and relating to yourself that allows you to be imperfect and human. You’re allowed to make mistakes, you’re allowed to be cringe, literally no human being is perfect and you cannot or should not expect yourself to be. I just got off the phone from my niece who has turned 18 today and thought to myself ‘oh my god, why do you have to be so uncool and embarrassing?’ Because I am human, that is why. I am allowed to be (and I think it’s nice to tell you people what they mean to you, even if it makes everyone slightly uncomfortable!) Slip the chain off your neck and walk away from the devil that would have you be ashamed for your humanness.
The next prescription comes in the form of the 3 of cups. If you find it difficult to be graceful in the face of your own humanness, try to think about yourself in the same light as you do your friends. If my good friend told me she’d just been slightly overly formal and yet also somehow simultaneously overly emotional towards their niece on their 18th birthday, would you crucify them? No. You’d probably think along the lines of ‘yeah that does sound a bit awkward.. but I’m sure the sentiment was appreciated.’ Start thinking of yourself as a member of your friendship group and give yourself the same compassion and hype as you do them.
If you resonate with having a punitive inner critic, then I would really encourage you to learn more about it and the strategies you can use to dismantle it. One podcast I found really enlightening was the ‘But are you happy’ podcast, the episode ‘How To Silence Your Inner Critic (For Real)’. However you choose do it, do yourself a favour and get to work dismantling that voice, because life is too short to live it squashed under the weight of meanness.
Wishing you a compassionate and supportive inner world
Lisa xx